Sometimes we have what’s called a “savior mentality” when it comes to adoption. We think that a wonderful loving family is saving this child from a terrible childhood without a family. We can have a tendency to think that a loving family takes away all the bad or hard things that may have happened in this child’s life. If you’ve read my post Adoption Is Broken and Beautiful, you will remember that no amount of love can erase a child’s history, nor should it. What I am going to attempt to explain to you in this post is why I am asking, please don’t tell my adopted child they are lucky.
I hear adopted families say all the time that people say to their children, “aren’t you so lucky to have parents like that?” Or, “aren’t you so lucky to have such amazing parents?” Or how about, “you should be so grateful to have such amazing parents.” We think of these parents as amazing sacrificial people that deserve to be “praised”. There are a few major things wrong with these thoughts.
It’s A Simple Command
I am a Christian, and I believe the Bible. This includes the scriptures that instruct us to care for the orphans and widows. Adoption is not going above and beyond. It is not something amazing and worth extra praise. It is a simple command from God. Now, don’t get simple and easy mixed up. Adoption is anything but easy. However, we are simply following a command from God. There are many ways to care for orphans. One of our ways is by adopting a child into our family.
It Could Cause My Child to Feel They Must Perform
If an adopted child hears those phrases repeatedly, it could cause them to feel they owe something to their parents. It has the potential to stifle the healing that must occur for a child that has had so much loss and trauma in their life. Working through the feelings of being adopted is hard work and painful. However, if a child feels that they are not allowed to have any feelings besides being grateful, it could cause great harm to their healing and growth as a person. It may cause my child to feel like they have to perform in order to earn our love, that they should feel nothing other than lucky and grateful. There’s nothing lucky about losing your first parents.
There will be seasons when my child longs to find their biological family. There will be seasons of grief, sadness, anger, and hurt. Through all of these seasons I do not want my child to withhold these feelings from me for fear of disappointing me. I want to do everything in my power as a mother to keep the door wide open for my child to talk about and process these feelings. And one of the ways I’m doing this is by asking you, please don’t tell my adopted child they are lucky.
My Child Didn’t Choose Any of This
My child didn’t choose to lose his mother. He didn’t choose to live in an orphanage or move across the ocean away from all the people he’s ever known. My child didn’t choose loss and trauma at such an early age. Now, there is redemption in God’s mercy and love, but it is anything other than lucky.
Please Don’t Tell My Adopted Child They Are Lucky
My husband and I feel very privileged to have this opportunity to adopt a child. We are so thankful for the mercy of God that would allow us to bring a child into our home, make them a part of our family, show them love they may have never known, and help them through their journey of healing and discovery as an adoptee. This is not luck, it is mercy and love.
Most children take their parents for granted and do not think of it as luck. They are not necessarily grateful for their parents. It’s just life. Often they don’t even realize this is something they should be grateful for until they are older. And that’s okay. It’s inherent in humans to need someone to provide for us as we grow up. To feel safety, to know that someone will take care of us when we need it. That’s exactly how God created us. Adopted children are no different.
Just as I did, my adopted child may grow up to be an adult and at some point be grateful for their family. I hope beyond hope that they reach that point. That I will have done something right by my child. They may, like me, even come to the point where they feel lucky because of the family they are a part of. But, until they reach that point on their own, please don’t tell my adopted child they are lucky.
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Excellent, well thought out explanation. There is a current trend for people to say “He’s a keeper!” Or parents to say “I think we’ll keep her!” when someone meets a new baby or child. This has to cause turmoil in children who hear it and don’t understand that it comes from a fishing reference and is very tongue-in-cheek. We all need to be more thoughtful about what we say to any child or family. Thank you, Jennie!
This is absolutely right Chelsea! We do need to be careful and more thoughtful as we don’t often know the full background of a child/family. Another one I’ve thought of a lot recently is people thinking it’s “funny” to tell their biological child they are adopted. Whether they are teasing or not, it gives the connotation of being adopted as a negative thing, not a positive thing.
You have a very beautiful heart. May God bless you and your home.
What an important reminder to everyone. Most people mean well—but stick their foot in their mouth inadvertently. I hope a lot of people read this post!
This is so touching truth that adopted child goes through when some one says that. It must be hard or weird feeling for them when they have the questions about their biological parents and why they left them to be in orphanage. Can’t expect them to be grateful when they have so much pain inside them about their past. Thanks for sharing this.
Heena – https://travelandhikewithpcos.com/
I loved reading this. Really gave me a new perspective on adoption. And I agree that it really is a privilege to be able to have a child—adopted or not.
Thank you for sharing about this important topic. My mother was adopted and I even though she grew up with a loving mother, she never stopped wondering about her biological mother. She’s almost 80 now, and I know not everything has been easy for her around her adoption.
This is something innate in almost every child that is adopted. They have this longing inside to know where they came from. Some get to find out and develop a lovely relationship with biological parents, some find out and experience trauma all over again when the response in not favorable, and some, like your mother (and my husband) go through their entire life always wondering.
I really enjoyed reading this your post, in many ways I have felt like adoption has become ” the trendy thing to do” because so many blogger are doing and writing about and telling their story about it. While it is a beautiful and unique story, each one like a snowflake is unique and different. They may not all be happy or joyous, but that is the only part that is shown in social media, which leaves a very off kilter impression and expectation in the world. Standards that the adoptive child grows up later on and will see with a different view point, from adult eyes. I had a follower comment on a nursery design I did for adoptive parents and she said “as a child of adoption she always had a hole in her heart, and feeling of broken unwontedness, because her parents gave her away and did not want her” and “it did not matter what the economic situation was or how much better her may had been”.
This is so true. I do believe that adoption can be a beautiful thing, but it does not come without a lot of brokenness, hurt and trauma that we have to remember ALL adoptees have gone through. Even those adopted as infants have the trauma of losing a mother they knew for 9 months and working through feelings of not being wanted or wanting to know their full and true life story.
Honestly I’m not even sure who would say that to an adopted child. I don’t get it for the life of me. I’m glad you are standing up and telling people not to do that! Great job mom!
I see this “savior” mentality in teachers all the time too. I love your explanations from the child’s perspective.
I wouldn’t even think to say something like this to an adopted child. Usually, I forget that they are even adopted. Blood doesn’t make a family–love does.
Amazing read. So easy to think you’re saying the right thing when uneducated about things you are not used to. Thanks for shedding such an important light.
omg yes this is awesome! i would never think to say anything like this to an adopted child at all- some people just dont know what to do!
Are there people who say that? I hope not, actually I don’t think the subject should be brought up to a conversation when the kids are listening… I don’t know, it’s such a delicate matter. Overall this is a brilliant read, I can feel the love you have for your kids 🙂
This is a great message to share. I’ve never said that to a child who was adopted, but I also didn’t understand what’s wrong with other people saying it, either! Now I know 🙂
Sarah from Children’s gift idea shop https://happylittletadpole.com
I don’t personally know too many people that have been adopted but I appreciate the perspective to keep in mind for those that have been adopted