When I was in high school I had a dream that one day I would adopt a child into my family. I dreamed about it, looked at pictures of beautiful children, and even talked to certain friends about it. A few years later I married a Korean adoptee, and I discovered that adoption is broken AND beautiful.
As that child, all I knew of adoption was dreamy and BEAUTIFUL. I’m sure at that time it also held a big dose of what we call the “savior mentality”. Some day my husband and I would adopt a child that desperately needed a family, bring them into our home, smother them with as much love as we could possibly give, and we would all live happily ever after. If you’re an adoptee or adoptive parent, it is likely you are gagging right now. But at that point in my life I hadn’t done a lot of research on adoption (and quite a lot of research and resources have changed since then), and that’s all I knew. And many of us know, there are still many out there that start their journey towards adoption thinking that same way.
Adoption is Broken
I married my husband (who is amazing I just have to mention). Very early in our marriage we began talking about our desire to add to our family through adoption. Even as an adoptee, my husband had a desire to grow our family in this way. Through numerous conversations about adoption, and about my husband’s life specifically, I began to realize that adoption is BROKEN.
No matter how an adopted child comes to your home, whether as an infant, from a different country, the US foster care system, or other means, adoption always stems from loss first. This child has a mother who carried them until birth. A bond was formed. And then it was gone. This child perhaps was starved or neglected or possibly abused by their own mother. Nevertheless, a bond was formed. And then it was gone.
Adoption is Beautiful
As adoptive parents, it is not our job to save our children from this brokenness and loss. In fact, as much as our aching hearts would like, we cannot change or take away this loss for them. This is their story. This is their life. Our job is to love them fiercely and to help them navigate this brokenness and loss. Our job is to support them, encourage them, help them discover who they are, laugh with them, and cry with them.
We must recognize that as much as we are bringing to this child (love, a family, protection), they are bringing just as much and even more to our family. Realizing these things and helping our child walk through this life is what makes adoption BEAUTIFUL.
I am by no means considering myself an expert on these matters. These are realities I have discovered through knowing my husband deeply, through lots of research, and through many others’ adoption stories. These are realities I cling to as our family continues our journey of adoption. This is the type of mother I strive to be. One that accepts the broken and the beautiful.
Adoption is Broken AND Beautiful
Adoption is not one or the other. It is not only pain and loss and anger and brokenness. It is not only love and happiness. In adoption there is both. Yes, adoption is meant to provide a loving family to a child that would otherwise not have the chance to be part of a family. But, adoption does not take away the loss of a mother and the life this child has already lived. Adoption is broken and beautiful.
What a beautiful picture of the realities of adoption. Your insight is so valuable to anyone touched by adoption.
Thank you!
My youngest brother came to the US as a 2-month old from Vietnam. We all “mothered” and adored him. He made our family complete. He has gone through sadness over the conditions of his birth but he knows he is loved and accepted as one of us. He has many Asian friends who have introduced him to their culture, food, and family life. His wife, too, was adopted from Korea. She was an orphan living on the streets when she was adopted at 8 years old. Her situation and mental state are very different than his. Being adopted without knowing another life has helped Ben be a well-rounded adult. She struggles with losing her first family. Good luck in whatever you choose to do!! Lots of children need your love.
Thank you! Yes, all adoptee stories are different, and some cope with it differently than others.
I had tears reading your article. I had never really sat back and thought about the mother of the person who gave birth to the child that is adopted, and the circumstances she was in. What a touching read. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I’m glad it touched your heart.
Everyone talks about how difficult the process is but no one talks about how beautiful that difficulty is. Thanks for sharing.
Lauren | https://www.laurelandiron.com
Your words on adoption are beautiful. My husband and I have often spoken about adopting or fostering at some point. So many children in this world need love and to feel like they belong.
Jennie, I love reading your blogs. you are truly an inspiration to me. I am praying that you and Nathan will soon be able to meet your child. You are an amazing women of God, wonderful mother, daughter, sister, friend and boss, the list can go on and on about you. I know that this process is difficult but it is beautiful, God is going to bless you and your family with a child but it’s in his timing because his timing is perfect. I know that the wait must be hard and frustrating but at the end it’s all going to be worth it. I know that whatever child is going to be placed in your care is going to be loved and be well taken care of. You are a beautiful person inside and out!!!!