10 Ways to Help Adoptive Families When They First Come Home

Some of you may know that we are nearing the 1 1/2 year mark of when we started our adoption journey through Ghana. We have just passed the 5 year mark of when we first began pursuing adoption, but that is another story for another day. And now we are drawing near to the time when we will bring our child home. So many thoughts, so much preparation, so many emotions. And in the midst of all this, there are things, dear reader, that I want to share with you. Think of this as a personal letter to all my friends and family letting you know some tips for when we first arrive home. If you don’t know me personally, all of these things mentioned are ways you can help adoptive families in general when they first arrive home with their child/children.

This is not a list of do’s and don’ts. My desire is to share my heart with you and help shed some understanding. To provide some know-how without creating awkward moments for you. As our family’s adoption is international, some items on this list may not be as pertinent to a domestic infant adoption or adoption from foster care of a child that has already been living in someone’s home for a while, but others are pertinent to all types of adoption.

So without further ado, here are 10 ways to help adoptive families when they first arrive home.

1.Throw a baby shower.
Just like any expectant mother, the family will need some items for this baby or child that they are expecting. This is a great time to celebrate the new child and their parents, especially if this is the first child. Of course, you may want to do this before the child even arrives, as right when the family comes home is probably not the most opportune time. If it’s an older child being adopted from foster care, it would be best to take the lead from the parents and child on that one as there are so many other emotions and feelings involved. In this case, celebration may need to take on a different form.

Side Note: It may seem like I’m promoting a party for myself, however, this is more of a general suggestion, especially for those bringing home their first child. Our situation is a little different, and I feel completely behind the 8-ball. We won’t even know the exact age of our child until 2-3 weeks before we meet them for the first time!

2. Provide Meals.
Just like you would for a family who has just had a baby, consider providing a few meals or gift cards to order out to help the family get through the first few days and begin to acclimate to their new life. If it’s a newborn, even though the mother may not have birthed the child, there are still many sleepless nights. If international, there is an array of emotions, adjustments of culture, time difference, new language, and so much more, and a little help in the food area could help a family get through that first week. Is cooking not your thing? Offer to clean the house!

3. Give us some space.
By no means do I intend to be rude with this. However, we are a brand new family, and we need some time to get acclimated to each other, our home, and our new way of life. And we need to do it just as a family. We will be happy to see you at church and out and about, and we will make sure to let you know when we are ready to start having visitors in our home.

4. We may decline your invite.
If we decline an invite to come over for dinner or to a birthday party or other get together, please know that we have nothing against you, or get togethers, or parties. As soon as we arrive home we are going to have an intense bonding time with our child. This may mean that for a season, possibly even an extended season, we focus inward and stay close as our immediate family. Creating a bond that many times comes naturally with a child you have carried in your womb for 9 months takes a lot more focus, intentionality, and work to create with your child whom you did not have the privilege of knowing for the first part of their life. (This does not mean we will be hermits, and you will never see us. Believe me, Momma would go crazy!)

5. Please don’t ask to hold my child.
Again, this comes back to the whole bonding thing and all the effort that it takes to actually create that bond. In the beginning, our child will need to learn that Mommy and Daddy are the ones that provide for their every need. Just as an infant does inherently when their needs are met by mom and dad. This includes holding, feeding, helping them when they are hurt, soothing, and providing any basic need. There will come a time when we can begin to release those reigns a little as bonding occurs. However, when we first come home, it will need to be Mom and Dad.

6. Please DO communicate!
Send texts, emails, phone calls, ooh and ahh over the pictures we share. Ask how we’re doing. Take Dad out for a guys evening or Mom out for a Ladies Night Out. Your support will mean the world to us and will help us through this intense season when we first arrive home.

7. Don’t tell my child they should be grateful,
or that once they’re a little older you’re sure they’ll be grateful. Maybe they will be once they’re an adult. I personally am grateful for the family that I grew up in, and I wasn’t adopted, however, that gratefulness did not come until adulthood. Children are created to want and expect love. When we provide that for them, we are not their “saviors”, we are just meeting the most basic of their needs. We do not expect our biological children to be grateful that they were conceived, and we should not expect our adopted children to be grateful for being adopted. It was a choice that we as parents made, and just like biological children, our adopted children were just brought into that equation to be part of our family.

8. Show my other children some love.
While we do need time to bond as our immediate family, this can also be a stressful time with all the adjustments and a lot of the focus on our new child. Our other children may have a hard time adjusting, or feel a lack of attention. Or they may just need to get out of the house for a little while. Especially if there are behavioral issues we’re all dealing with, or disruption of sleep, incessant crying, etc. Come grab the kids for a play date or ice cream date, or take them to their gymnastics class or sports practice.

9. Please don’t ask about their history.
We may share some information with you, however, our child may also have some difficult or sensitive history that they do not even know or understand yet depending on their age. It will be up to our child what they want to share and when once they are old enough. Before asking a question, consider if it would sadden or offend you. For example think about if someone walked up to you and randomly asked if your parents went to jail for drug use, or if you were sexually abused, or how your parents died. How would that make you feel?

10. Let us confide in you.
Adoption is hard, and bringing home a child that has faced trauma and/or abandonment is hard (throw in a different culture and it’s even harder). Sometimes we may just need a shoulder to lean on or to cry on. We may need to voice our frustrations or uncertainties. This doesn’t mean that we regret our decision one bit. It means we are in the thick of the battle, and we need some support and encouragement. Just like when a mother has a colic baby or is sleep deprived from a newborn you don’t tell her “well you wanted to have a baby.” You provide encouraging words and support that momma.

I hope I have adequately shared my heart with you and possibly shed some light on ways to help adoptive families when they first come home with their child. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but hopefully it will give you a little more understanding. And hopefully you have a little more confidence and know-how to support your loved ones that have chosen adoption.

If you are an adoptive family, what are some suggestions you would make to those wanting to know how to help and support?